Post Grieving Randoms...

I would like to thank Ernessa T. Carter, author of 32 Candles, for writing a story that has helped me navigate these gray days by putting a smile on my face and allowing me to laugh out loud.

These last few weeks have been surreal. It is hard to accept my aunt is no longer here. I have spent the last 5 years caring for a woman who finished raising me. Those five years are nothing and cannot adequately repay her for all she has done for me. Even though I cry every day, I smile too because in those years she was sick I managed to make her laugh and smile and I hope with all my heart that I conveyed to her everyday how much I loved her and how much she meant to me. Although I lost my mother at 14 years old, she was my other mother and her love is what I have to cherish as I try making my life normal again. It is so hard. However, I use my other anonymous blog to deal with my grief and I don’t want folks over here crying and such, so I have some randoms for ya:

• “I really am not that nice.” This is what I told my cousin when he finally made an appearance the Saturday my aunt went to be with the Lord. Folks were supposed to be at the house at 1:00 pm and they didn’t show up until almost 4:30 p.m. Really? I was still in my clothes I had slept in from the day before. So I was in danger of having to be the funkiest hostess, literally.
• Black folks can we give the family more than chicken, cake, pies and sodas? Don’t get me wrong the first day or so it was great, but um, the sodas can touch our ceiling, the chicken was so overwhelming you know some ended up in the garbage can and the cakes threatened to ruin my better eating mojo.
• Thanks to the folks who brought over breakfast food, fruit trays, sandwich trays and wine who thought outside the box, we appreciate it.
• Overheard, “That is the No-No cake.” This was a pound cake that was heavy as a brick and only tasted a little bit better than one.
• “You are not wearing stockings.” No.  If you all would shave your legs you too, could be comfortable.
• Those who know me know that I don’t do well with crowds and lots of people around me. I can stand it for a little while, but eventually the fake smile starts to hurt my face and I am irritated because I feel my space is being encroached upon, so I had a window during this time. Even my aunt understood that about me. Too many folks and you will look up and I am in my room in the bed reading, watching television, on the computer or playing games. My window closed quickly at times, which means I am non-responsive and unhelpful.
• There was no fighting or arguing over the arrangements. However, I don’t which to ever have to do that again.
• “You should come to the Omega Omega service.” Nope, I am not going anywhere near the funeral home. I don’t do family hours. I didn’t do my mothers and any of the other relatives either. My aunt understood that about me. The Omega Omega service is one done by the Greeks prior to the actual funeral. My aunt was a Delta for over 50 Years.
• My shoes for the actual funeral were the business. Which was my quiet homage to my aunt who loved shoes as much as I do.

• “Shana, are you going to stay here by yourself?” Yes. “Well, when you get old we going to visit you too.” Said to me by my 8 year old cousin. Sweet.

I am trying to get back to writing, but it is taking me longer than I thought…