My Uninvited, Early Thanksgiving Guest...

My incessant fear of lizards is legendary in these parts. Everyone in my family understands my fear of lizards is no joke. I have explained previously when my uncle was alive, he was the one to remove the lizards from the house for me and to open the door for me at night when they would cover the door and there was no way in hell I was going to even attempt to get near the door until the nasty, filthy creatures were out of the way. And when the way was clear, I would haul butt into the house breathing erractically and shaking uncontrollably. This no joke.


I even threaten to leave my ill aunt in the house alone because of a lizard, and I would do anything for that woman before she died. But even she knew me and lizards didn’t go well together. Not at all. Lizards will make me cry, hard.

So Sunday morning I began cleaning bathrooms and finishing some of my hard cleaning. The back bathroom in the master bedroom is rarely used, but I give it a good cleaning once a month. And since the holidays are upon us, I headed to the back to get it tidied up. Mind you I was in there the night before blow drying my hair so I knew it wasn’t too bad. So when I was almost done, I decided to grab the trash can, which only had a few pieces of paper in it to take it outside. When I looked down and preceded to move the can over, I saw a medium size lizard. My breath caught, and I screamed, loudly. And I ran like the devil was on my back to the front of the house. Out of breathe and hyperventilating I went outside on the front porch. I know you are probably asking why, but hell I went to see if there was a crack head walking around so I could get him to get the lizard out. Not only were there no neighbors home, not one and I mean not one crack head was walking around. I stood on the porch looking left to right, still shaking and scared to death.

I went back inside and went back to the bathroom and that damn lizard was still sitting on the trash can like his life was truly worth living now. I mean seriously, he was about to have a whole bathroom to himself. I closed the bathroom door and wedge a blanket at the bottom of that door. I really couldn’t have that nasty thing roaming all over the house.

I calmed enough to text my cousins, here is what I said, “Um, I know ya’ll in church, but I need someone to come get this lizard out of aunt marie bathroom. Ya’ll know I can’t breathe. No crack head walking around either.”

Then I text my sister and she decided to have a great laugh at my expense.

Me: There is a lizard in aunt marie’s bathroom. Scared the shit out of me. Send hunny bunny down here. You know I closed the door and put a blanket at the bottom of the door. I text gail, kay and pete that someone need to get it outta there.


Sister: ROFLMAO!


Me: Hell now I can’t stop shaking. I even looked outside to see if a crack head was walking around. Nope.


Sister: OMG…Stop!


Me: No you stop laughing. How did the thing get in her bathroom? Filthy creature! If bruce wasn’t preaching, I would call him.


Sister: Lord. Well I hope it don’t escape n suck the blood out of u. LOL.


Me: Um, that blanket is wedged so tight nothing, not even a fart could squeeze through. And you ain’t funny. When hunny bunny getting here?

My cousin Kay, called me laughing. Really? My whole world has tipped on its axis and everyone has become a comedian at my expense. Geez. She comes by and goes to the alleged dealer’s house, and a man and a teenager came to the house and in 1 minute they have the lizard in the garbage bag and took him away from our house. Talking about setting his ass free. Just get it away from my house. My cousin Pete came by as well, he reminded me he don’t mess with lizards. I already know that, but I knew he would figure out a way to get that thang out there.

Now all is right in my world, but seriously that lizard almost had a whole damn bathroom of its own.

***I was going to put a picture of a lizard on this post, but I went to breathing hard and I just couldn’t.