Friday, April 06, 2007

This is not a hair post, it is a muse post…

I just read this really pensive note on one of my favorite blogs Bruthacode. His writing is most of the time funny, but sometimes he will write a piece that leaves you in a thoughtful and pensive mood. This particular one had to do with him finding some old pictures of three females who came into his life. I don’t know, but the wistfulness in his writing brought tears to my eyes and the muse to whisper in my ear.

Yesterday, I wrote a closure letter because after reading When Love Calls You Better Answer, I thought it would be fitting if I could write some letters, that I may or may not mail, to folks I needed closure from. The one I wrote yesterday was much harder than I thought it would be. I mean, at one point I had to stop and wrestle with the tears fighting to roll down my face. I still hurt. Unbelievable. After all this time not having the proper closure still hurts. I have no pictures to reminisce about, just some faded letters and some oils he once gave me. I wasn’t in love with him I just loved him as a person. What that means is I was working on the possibility of their being love between us, but yet again it was not our time. His impact on my life was fleeting, but enriching. He forced me to examine my insecurities about why I fear commitment. I still cringe at the thought of a relationship, but I would love to be in one, but committing is hard for a person who doesn’t know how to trust. In my closure letter to him, I state, “You gave me hope for men, only to remind me you are just a man.” Basically, I learned not to put my fantasies into hope and recognize no person is the grandiose being you have conjured up, a person is a human being with frailties and flaws and hoping for perfection will leave you wanting.

I have a few more closure letters to write, but they will take some time to complete, because just from this first one, I recognize I have been carrying a burden of immeasurable weight upon my shoulders. I need to let it go and push forward.

Have a blessed Easter!

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At 1:06 AM, Blogger Maryee said...

Very Good. I probably need some closure letters written myself. They're very therapeutic! Thanks for sharing.

At 4:43 PM, Blogger Cashana said...

Thanks for reading my confessions. They are therapeutic and even if you don't send them, but read them aloud it can make a difference.

At 8:30 PM, Blogger Sis. RJQueen10 said...

healings, Healings, HEALINGS! I applaud you!

Sis. RJQueen10

P.S. Don't send them, just write them. Just my opinion and I know you did not ask for it.

At 2:57 PM, Blogger Cashana said...

Thanks for the thought RJQueen10. I did send this particular letter and it gave me the closure I needed. It actually felt good. Now if I can do the one I really need to do...


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