Happy Mother Day...To Me?

Over the weekend, I was wished Happy Mother’s Day several times. My kids on my second job did, and they all know there is no way in Hell I have or will have any children, but they said I was their work mom. Aw…Then I commenced to cuss them out for sending out undercooked fries. What? Don’t all mamas do that?


At my local grocery store, one of the guys in the meat department wished me Happy Mother’s day and believe me I never get all up in arms I usually reply casually, “Thank you. Although, I don’t have any I appreciate the sentiment.” He was like, “What? Wow? Why not?” No one really wants to hear the real reason because seriously it is not some long or dramatic story.

When I was younger, I was always a little thinker. I mean I was an only child until I was 4 years old and my sister came along and prior to that time I was being raised by my grandmother. You know how much she played with me, so I learned to entertain myself. Even at 4 years old, I said I didn’t want to get married and I wasn’t having children. This has been my mantra for as long as I can remember. In my little, immature brain the thought of being married and being a mother wasn’t something I aspired to do. Don’t get me wrong there have been moments in my life that the mantra got a little shaky, but it has always lived in the recesses of my mind.

I was my sister and brother’s little mama when my mother was working, so my raising kids began when I was quite young. I have been around my young cousins since they were babies and frankly, those are my children. They still call me to talk and hang out. And that was enough of the maternal instinct for me. I love when a new baby comes into the family, but you will not see me running to hold them. Not me. I don’t do that, because I actually am thinking about germs and such. Little boy babies seem to like me the best. Why do the little girls act funny? Don’t ask me. I love my nieces but I pray my sister remains healthy and is around until their adults. Now, I would take over if need be, but um, I ain’t trying to see that happen right now.

In my mind, I have always felt that my purpose wasn’t to bear children, but to be an influence in some child or kids’ life. I have contemplated adoption and fostering kids, but they would not be the babies. I ain’t got the patience. However, my sister scared the bejeezus out of me about fostering or adopting an older child. Seriously, she did put some doubts in my head. So that is out. So I keep my second job and try to be a positive role model on these young kids. And you know what makes me smile? When they come back years later just to say hi to Ms. Cashana.

So it is fine that I don’t have kids and I can’t have any now anyway, but I feel like an amazing woman nonetheless because you don’t have to have children to mother them. 

Memory Lane...The Best Kisses

Do you remember the best kiss you have ever had? Lord, I have had 2 guys who were the best, but for the most part most of the guys I have dated can kiss. Umh, memories.

My first kiss was with this guy we use to call Chicago. He was cute in an off center kinda way, but the boy had an overbite, so my first kiss was juicy. His kiss didn’t melt my heart, but it let me know at 13 years old, I like to kiss.

There was this guy in Florida who I loved to death. I mean I just was head over heels in love with him. Now mind you he had an ET shape head, for real. His name *Eddie Jackson. I loved me some Eddie. I dreamed about him, I doodled his name all over my notebooks and everyone at my school new I loved me some EJ. In fact they made sure before I left Florida I got to kiss him. Man, my friends were the best. After school on my last day, it was worked out where we would meet and do the do. Kiss. So we get to the bathroom (men’s?) and as nervous as all out we kissed and ya’ll I can still feel the way his jaws worked because he had a strong jaw line. Eddie could kiss and I relived that moment until I talked my uncle into allowing me to return to Florida to finish out my last two months. Of course, instead of Eddie and me getting together he thought I tricked him. Whatever. Shoot, Jacksonville was my home and I wasn’t ready to leave yet. So until I left again for Alabama and for good (I did have his phone number) I dreamed about that bathroom kiss with all the track team outside listening to us. Like we was moaning or something. Get out of here. Memories.

Now when I got to Alabama kissing was my thing. I knew I could put it down when it came to kissing, I perfected my kiss and I knew it was the ish. However, I found that the boyfriends I had in high school (except one, I’ll get to him later), could not kiss. I mean if you know that was all you were going to get from me, wouldn’t you set out to make it worth my while in hopes I would give up the draws? They kissed okay, but they had nothing on EJ. Until Charlie, yeah that is his real name.

Charlie and I were best friends. We met in the 10th grade, but our friendship was cultivated during our junior year. Now, I just wanted us to be friends, but he really wanted more. I mean this guy wrote me a love note on a pencil (I still have it too.) However, that junior year during Christmas he showed up at my house with a gift. Aah, and when I went to hug him, he just up and kissed me. Ohmygosh! I was shocked and pleasantly surprised. That boy could kiss. I almost forgot I was feening for MT. Oh well, I put off taking our friendship to another level for many reasons, but mostly because I didn’t want to lose my friend. We did try to be a couple for 3 days during our senior year, but I just couldn’t do it. With the thought of that kiss still branded in my mind, I tried but I was still trying to get with MT. A waste. MT kissed okay, but he didn’t have the lips for it. Sorry MT. However, after high school me and Charlie dated off and on until a year before he got married (don’t ask). I mean one night we kissed for like 2 hours straight. It was that good, we didn’t need to breathe. Shoot. Let me just say he was one of my best kissers.

Older doesn’t mean a person will be a good kisser. I dated this guy for a year and a half, but if it wasn’t for…never mind cause he wasn’t bad but he wasn’t great either. At his age, compared to my age, he should have had the flavor and technique that I had. Then there was this guy, who had plump lips which made great pillow kisses, but being reminded of his lust for Caucasian love was a turn off, but he could kiss.

I have kissed a host of guys, even though I can count the guys who made it past first base. Now my other best kisser was smooth. We were having this conversation and he got me in debating mode and while I am arguing my point, this man just kissed my loudness away. I was so taken aback I was sitting there like OHMYGOSH! I was unprepared, but you know when you know you can kiss you ain’t gonna hold nothing back so I gave as good as I took and threw him for a loop. Don’t underestimate a real kisser; we don’t bow down to a challenge. We still talk about that kiss. He is a sensual kisser whose movements with his mouth and tongue are used to meld you both together in an ancient dance of seduction. His mouth offers naughty secrets and gentle thrusts of what is to come. Firmness with each stroke of his tongue and the caress of his hands initiate more, but his heat ignites a fire that even his kiss can make you explode. Until you have been kissed to the point surrealism and carnal melding – you haven’t been kissed senseless. …I’ll be back…

Anyway as you can tell kissing is my thing and I thank one of my fellow bloggers for the trip down memory lane.

P. S. I was looking through old drafts on my computer and found this little diddy. I liked the way it was written and decided to blog it. I probably should have put it on my anonymous blog, but heck it is good story.

*Name changed to protect the innocent.

I am having a bad day...


I'm not having a very good day. Have you ever had one of those days? Today is my day. I woke up on time, but was an hour late for work. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, I guess. So I began my day dragging because I have been working almost 30 days without a day off. The time change also has contributed to my bad mood, depression and feeling some kinda way. So as I took my sweet time getting ready this morning, I pass by one of the guest rooms and there on the dayum curtains is a lizard. Ugh! I HATE LIZARDS, I HATE LIZARDS, I HATE LIZARDS! That just about sent me over the edge. I just stared at that thing and said to myself, I really must not be living right. The last time, heck it could be the same lizard, the thing was in the curtains I asked one of my male cousins to remedy the situation his punk self was like, "Uh, uh I am scared of lizards." Grown man scared of a lizard. My fear is ingrained and I hate them something awful. When spring and summer arrive so do their nasty behinds. (I am really trying to not cuss, but I am just so mad right now!) Not sure how it is going to get out of there, but I have been known to ignore a room for months for fear of an animal. And I will. Of course, one of my female cousins will probably get rid of the dayum thing. My co-worker thought the whole situation was funny. I looked at her with a straight face as she continued to laugh with tears rolling down her face. She thought my whole reaction to the lizards was pure comedy. I am not laughing. I have to go home tonight and the first thing I'll do is look for that dayum lizard.

I think my bad mood started to kick into overdrive yesterday, when I found out one of my friend's father died. Found out after I sent her a text asking how he was doing only to find out hours later he has been dead since Friday.

I also was put in a pissy mood when I found out one of my book club members decided she was going to get together her own group at work to do the Joy to Walk. This pissed me the hell off. Not only is it tacky, but is speaks volumes of what you feel for the group that you have been a member of for 7 years. And get this, in order to register as a group you must have 10 people, she only has 4 folks from her job willing to participate. Good luck with that. This is why I am thisclose to disbanding this book club. Seriously. I am tired of the silliness of a few of these women. And we are walking for our book club member who has battled two rounds of breast cancer. We should be doing it together instead of apart.

I want to disband. I am tired. Been like this for a couple of years, but this last year hasn't been a bad year. We have read some great books, had wonderful discussions and have been encouraging to each other emphasising how strong our bond is, but I am so tired. I put in a lot of work to get things done, because I am extremely organized, only to see folks only half-heartedly reap the benefits of the book club. Honestly, I have outgrown some of my members, not all, but some. I am in a different place in my life and I seek peace. The only reason I haven't disbanded is because of my members. Contradictory, huh? I guess I am not feeling love the love I have put into this group and for folks to slap me in the face like in the paragraph above, irks the hell out of me. I shouldn't take it personally, but I do. I started this book club because I was lead to do it by a higher power. I have watched what folks have gain from it and I have seen the positive things we have done in the community, but I am tired.

I suffer at times from depression. I think everyone at times has a lull in their life where they feel down and exasperated. I know what my triggers are. I must have off time. I must have a vacation. I have been working too long without a sufficient break. I also need some me time as well. The time change didn't help me either. The pain in my right foot isn't helping matters much. Right now nothing seems to be helping.

I go to the Ross Knight Photography blog and get depressed after viewing the most beautiful pictures of weddings and engagements. I love the photos, love how the photographer captures the beauty of the moment. I love the statement the photos make and then I get depressed and cry after every viewing. Love exists.

Maybe I am just angry because on last Friday a member of our legal unit decided to walk a se.x off.ender to my office. That is a no no. I don't talk to sex offenders face-to-face. He comes into my office introducing himself as Dr. so and so. Dayum lie. Made the hair on my arms stand up and I felt nasty the rest of the day.

I ought to be happy I finally upgraded my cell phone to a G1. Yep I am with t.mobile and I ain't going anywhere when I have a plan that is talk anywhere, anytime to anybody for $49.99. It pays to be a loyal customer for 11 years. I do love my new phone. It does cool stuff. It just isn't able to make my day better.

I hate I had to blog my woe is me moment, but I felt like if I didn't, I was going to be even more hell than I have already been today. Plus, I have to go to my second job this afternoon. Seriously, my body is tired. My mind is tired. I can't wait until I wake up tomorrow, because I know this too shall pass...

Happy 1 Year Anniversary to Me...January 9th!



Sometimes I wonder what makes folks do what they do and why they made the decisions they did. I mean we all make mistakes, but, I for one, try to learn from them. Lord only knows I am not perfect nor do I have room to judge anyone.



I have been watching a family member spiral out of control for a minute now. This member is having major problems and is trying to keep them a secret, but their secret may not be exposed, however, it is obvious something in the milk is not clean. It has that swirl which indicates it is about to turn sour. All I can do is pray for them and hope my random sage advice penetrates.



I have some acquaintances who after much observation, I find them too shallow and selfish to even stand to be in the same room with them. Not that they are bad people, but they have a way of presenting themselves in a manner that has their noses in the air. I am not like that. I cannot be like that. I spent the first four years of my life in the housing projects and I never forget where I came from or the times when it was extremely hard for my mama. I can't think of myself better than other folks, so I include them in my circle because they are human beings and deserved to be treated that way instead of charity cases or give folks a reason to say, "I did so and so for so and so." Not me, it is hard to believe I know folks like that.



A friend of mine wrote me from jail. Yep, in jail. In the letter they wrote all I read was self pity and a lack of good judgment. Since I am a friend who doesn't see black and white, I let them know I wasn't surprised they were in jail because when you don't live right and you also make bad decisions this is a consequence. Of course, I was hard on them, but I told them they had the potential to be more than that, but they needed to believe for themselves they are worthy of the best and to do better. They have made their bed, now they have to lie in it.



A family member of mine who has been incarcerated since he was a teenager has yet to learn from his bad decisions. I pray when he is released in 2011, and no that is not a typo, he has truly grown up in prison.



I don't have children and will not have any by choice. I have had time over the last couple of months to notice somethings. Kids are not like they used to be. They are disrespectful, spoiled, ungrateful and they are our future and some of them have me wondering how bleak the future is going to be. I have seen kids talk back to their parents, cuss them out, heck even blow (which in my house was an instant back hand). They get everything they want yet they don't appreciate it. I personally think it is because they don't know how to work for the things they want. Prime example, on my second job I am an assistant manager in a local restaurant. I have been there since it's inception and have received 3 degrees while working there part-time. One of the reasons I still work there was the owner, but he died in July and the other reason is the children who work there. You sometimes you ask why and I did that one day in reference to why I stay there when I don't have to. It is the kids. Some come from homes that are dysfunctional others have never had a person really care about their well being. I have a worker whose parent is bi-polar and although she is an honor student (taking the law portion of the educational track at her magnet school, which is why I probably took to her), she has so much potential, but environment at home is horrible. She wants to live like a normal teenager but she has to make sure her siblings are being taken care of. She wants the extra income in the house so her mother can get her meds, because they are too expensive. When she graduates in 2 years, she will have a difficult decision to make, because she will have to chose to live her life or stay at home and help her mom. I have a young man who loves to work, but he loves to be in church too. He is mannerable, selfless and has goals and potential. I like talking with him and nurturing that which is so prominent in his being. I have another young man whose mother I know very well, she was upset he chose to go to FAMU instead of Auburn. She doesn't think he will be able to make it at the HBCU. I told her, she underestimates her son, because he can assimilate in any circumstance and she should be proud he is getting full scholarship and he made his own decision. Young men need to know how and do make their own decision, especially since we learn from them.

One of my favorite bloggers and at times my muse has retired his blog. Bruthacode doesn't know me from jack, but when I discovered his blog last year I have been hooked. I was like a crack fiend trying to get my daily dose of Bruthacode. His post could be funny, thoughtful, political and he actually could make me shed a tear or two. For a while now he mentioned months ago he was weaning us away from his blog a bit at a time. Last week there was nothing on the blog except his set up, no posts or archives. Then today I go on and he says a final goodbye. He gave us all he could as Bruthacode and there was no other direction for the blog to go in and he basically "sat it down". And I cried. My muse is gone. He will return to the states soon and I wish him safe travels and continued success and blessings.

So what does this have to do with hair? Well, you know I have a muse and sometimes I think about the things around me. My decision to lock my hair wasn't a popular one, but the outcome has been tremendous. So when I go on message boards and read the horror stories or other I don't like my locks posts, I remain quiet because we make decisions and it is up to us to be informed enough to make the right one for ourselves. The thing about blogs are they are one person's opinion about their hair and their life, so shouldn't you use them as the be all and end all for your experience. I can't say it enough, my hair will not be like your hair and vice versa. Heck, today is my loc anniversary - 1 year of being Sisterlocked. And guess what? I may have one or two actual locks. I have curly ends that may never go away, because my hair wasn't as nappy as I always thought it was, probably because of the perms from the 2nd grade until 2004. I am okay with that because baby, my hair is growing, it is healthy and I love it!

It'll lock in its own sweet slow time but until then, I am enjoying the progress and wouldn't change the experience for anything.

Embrace your hair and its progress. Enjoy the road few have traveled and know even with the detours in the road embracing what is naturally yours is truly beautiful.

Pictures to come after I wash my hair. Yeah, I still dread it but guess what, I have the technique down to an hour. Yeah, baby!

What next for my 2nd year? Who knows, but I know I am going to enjoy the ride. Happy SL Anniversary to me....

Do you ever just wonder?

I consume blogs as I consume the many books I read. And sometimes you will come across an entry that makes you wonder and take an assessment of yourself. Now, I read the hair blogs but before them were the author blogs and the other personal blogs out there. I read them and sometimes reading you get a glimpse into their life, and maybe because I am so nosey - I keep coming back to see what has happened since their last post. Sometimes I come back just to make sure that person is okay, because sometimes, I wonder if they really realize how much of their feelings are out there. I know for some of them, they need them to be out there so they can deal with whatever pain they are feeling at the moment. Or what ever happiness they feel at the time.

There is this one blogger who has some beautiful prose on his site, but there was a moment there I was concerned for his well-being because his depression was so dark its shadow was all over his blog entries. I would check back daily to insure he was okay. I mean, I was worried. As time went on, he was able to deal with what was ailing him and make some personal decisions to change his predicament. And reading his entries I was able to feel his struggles, right now he has taken a hiatus and he was aware how his writing on his blog read and he did apologize, but you know what? I think if he hadn't been able to express his darkness he wouldn't have been able to see the light.

I have an author blog that I read, not just for the wonderful words, but he takes great pictures. A couple of months or so ago he reconnected with an old love and boy when you read his blog and viewed his pictures all you could feel was pure, unadulterated love. Shoot, I was jealous. However, the love was not real at least on the other person's side. And now his blog reads of pure hurt. I feel his pain in his entries, even his pictures have taken on a more introspective view. He is so hurt. However, I know with time his entries will return with more color instead of the gray it is now.

I tend to put some personal stuff on this blog and depending on my mood will determine how the entry will read. And sometimes, just writing it down and putting it out there makes me feel better. Do you wonder what others think when they read your blog? To answer my own question, sometimes. However, for me it the ability to write with feelings and own my words and those who read it can enjoy or not, but know I write with honesty and truth.

This is not a hair post, it is a muse post…

I just read this really pensive note on one of my favorite blogs Bruthacode. His writing is most of the time funny, but sometimes he will write a piece that leaves you in a thoughtful and pensive mood. This particular one had to do with him finding some old pictures of three females who came into his life. I don’t know, but the wistfulness in his writing brought tears to my eyes and the muse to whisper in my ear.

Yesterday, I wrote a closure letter because after reading When Love Calls You Better Answer, I thought it would be fitting if I could write some letters, that I may or may not mail, to folks I needed closure from. The one I wrote yesterday was much harder than I thought it would be. I mean, at one point I had to stop and wrestle with the tears fighting to roll down my face. I still hurt. Unbelievable. After all this time not having the proper closure still hurts. I have no pictures to reminisce about, just some faded letters and some oils he once gave me. I wasn’t in love with him I just loved him as a person. What that means is I was working on the possibility of their being love between us, but yet again it was not our time. His impact on my life was fleeting, but enriching. He forced me to examine my insecurities about why I fear commitment. I still cringe at the thought of a relationship, but I would love to be in one, but committing is hard for a person who doesn’t know how to trust. In my closure letter to him, I state, “You gave me hope for men, only to remind me you are just a man.” Basically, I learned not to put my fantasies into hope and recognize no person is the grandiose being you have conjured up, a person is a human being with frailties and flaws and hoping for perfection will leave you wanting.

I have a few more closure letters to write, but they will take some time to complete, because just from this first one, I recognize I have been carrying a burden of immeasurable weight upon my shoulders. I need to let it go and push forward.

Have a blessed Easter!