Written in 2009 and edited...
Cashana's Musings on Life
Formerly, this blog was a thoughtful analysis of my journey to Sisterlocks(R) and life in general. Although, I will talk about my Sisterlocks (R), this blog has evolved into much more than just Sisterlocks (R). Join me as I follow this journey in life which takes me to different places and experiences. Life's map, is carved with curves, peaks and valleys some easier to navigate than others.
Friday, April 04, 2014
Dear Daddy,
I knew one day I would be writing this letter to you, but I
figured it would be when someone told me you had died or something. Of course, who would know to contact me? You haven’t recognized my existence since
before my mother died, that has been over 20 years ago. Well, since I don’t know if you are dead or
alive, I decided I needed to do some cleansing because in case you forgot, I
will turn 40 on September 10th.
You weren’t there for my birth, so I know you would never be there for
the milestones and there have been plenty.
I wish I could say I hate you, but I don’t. I am indifferent to you at this point in my
life. However, the pain of realizing you
could give a fuck is never an easy pill to swallow. I so deserve better than you have ever given
me. I mean really my mother married a
man she liked, but didn’t love to insure I wasn’t born a bastard. You should feel like shit. My mama returned home from DC pregnant by a
man she described as “pretty and smooth talking.” I have a picture of you and I guess her
definition of pretty differs greatly from mine.
Lucky for you I am the spitting image of my mother, I am just not as
gullible as she was. Seriously, only
thing I may have gotten from you maybe was my skin tone and this funky grade of
hair.
What I find so hard to believe is that you have never
wondered one iota about the daughter you helped to conceive. How does a man impregnate a woman he claims
to care so much about and not once do right by that offspring? How do/did you live with yourself knowing you
never took responsibility for your daughter or even relish in her
accomplishments.
Daddy, did you know that I have lived in Montgomery ever
since my mother died? Do you know how
hard it was to live separately from my sister and brother? Do you know I did it because at 14 years of
age I was tired of being grown and always being responsible? Why did you never contact me after she
died? The whole summer before she died
you talked to her all the time. Do you
remember the time she tried to get me to talk to you on the phone and all I could
do was cry? My mama was silly
sometimes. How in the hell could she
believe I would want to talk to you when we were damn near living in
poverty? I didn’t like you then, and I
am indifferent now.
Let me tell you about all you have missed out on. First of all, I hold three degrees. My overachieving ass, because I was
overcompensating for a lack of a father in my life. Yeah, you can actually call me Dr. as in
juris doctor. I have no criminal
background. I write. My passion is reading, which I do as I
breathe. I have a good government job
and still work a part-time job, because I want to and because I don’t want to
be poor again. Don’t worry you are not a
grandparent to any of my children. No
kids and it ain’t gonna happen. I started
and have maintained a book club for over 10 years, which means I know how to
start and finish something. I take care of
the aunt who took care of me and my mother, because I want to and it is time
somebody gives back to her. For the most
part I am happy with the way my life has turned out, but my life isn’t perfect. I have sacrificed some things, but I wouldn’t
change a thing.
I have issues and they stem from not having some type of
relationship with you. YOU HURT ME AND
THE PAIN LINGERS. It is a struggle
everyday to know that I am an orphan. If
my uncle and aunt had not allowed me to stay with them, I do not know what
would have happened to me. No female
should ever have to wonder if her daddy loved her, she should know. I’ll never know and that will be my burden to
bear as long as I live. Because of you I
am so stringent in relationships. I want things a certain way and any
flaw or mess up means you are outta here with a quickness. I am
emotionally closed off from commitment.
I don’t want to commit, because I don’t trust folks. I know why, do you? I need to know what it feels to be the apple
of my father’s eye, the beat of his soul and I need to know that he at least
thought about me. As I type this, I realize that the part that hurts
most is I don’t think you ever cared one way or the other what happened to
me. It is too late for a relationship,
plus you maybe dead by now, I don’t know.
I just wish just once you had been man enough to call me and tell me who
my siblings are, because you know we could marry since we don’t know each
other. Maybe you told them, hell I don’t
know. I wish you had been man enough to
just acknowledge me after my mother’s death.
You thought you were man enough to make this baby, but you weren’t man
enough to be responsible for her. I
never asked to be here. You helped to
bring me here and yet you never thought it was important to be a father to
me.
My life is what God deemed for me. He knew I was strong enough to make it
without a father. He knew I would make
it when it was time for my mother to be an angel. He made sure I had the foundation to make it
on my own. I can. I do.
Daddy, my pain of not having you in my life has affected my life for so
many years. I have to let go of the
childhood dreams of a man sweeping me in his arms and telling me everything is
going to be alright. It’s not going to
happen. You made a decision when I was
born that you would never be a part of my life, and it is time for me to accept
that. Acceptance is a start, but I have
to let go of the pain, hurt, and sadness of never having you in my life. I have to free that childish soul so my adult
life can continue to blossom. I want to
one day tell my husband that the hardest thing for me to do was to say goodbye
to the man I have always deemed my sperm-donor.
I want him to know it is because of that release, I found him. Daddy, I don’t hate you. I don’t know you. I never wanted anything from you, but acknowledgment
and I couldn’t even get a sorry apology.
I never got anything from you but a voice on the phone telling me to
tell my mother “your daddy” called. Just
for the record that shit never made me feel good, it made me dislike your voice
even more. My mama loved you for all the
wrong reasons and my dreams of a relationship with you were for the right
reason. Unfortunately or fortunately, it
will never pass. If you are still alive,
I forgive you for being a sorry excuse for a father and if you are dead, I
still forgive you. From this day
forward, I have to bury this pain that has been hidden in my heart for so
long. I must let going of the girlish
longing for my daddy. If I was in your
presence, I would hug you and touch my hand to your face and stand on my tippy
toes and say, “Our non-relationship is truly now over. ” And I would walk away, never looking back,
kinda like you had already done to me. I
can’t really miss what I never had.
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
I Am In The Process of Moving...
After much thought and from the basic information I could garner from the so call Blogger Support...My Internet Browser is out of date (IE8) and Blogger doesn't support it any longer. Since all three computers I use regularly are undoubtedly using IE8, I am SOL! Well, I feel silenced and I don't like that because I have so much to say, I just didn't realize it until I couldn't say anything on here. Mind you I have an anonymous blog, but this one was my very first. Sighing... So after getting unsatisfactory support I am moving to Wordpress. I do not know if I am going to try to move the entire blog over there, because it will become tedious and frankly I just want to write. So hopefully those who follow me will migrate to reading me over there. I have my first Creative Cooking spot posted today. I have lots of work to do to get it where I want to go and the look I want but at least I am writing...
Labels: Blogger is on my nerves!
Thursday, October 03, 2013
Sorry No Posts
I have been trying to post from blogger for a week now and due to it janky ways, I haven't been able to. Adding links and pictures is becoming too much of a damn hassle and let's not even talk about how great the help is on Blogger. If I could cut paste with all the highlights and links added it would be great but the way things are right now, it ain't worth it.
To give you an example of the issues in order to write the body of this text I have to tab, yes tab, to get to the body of the post. Then if I want to change the font, I can't. Now I can switch to HTML and work with it there, but I am no computer genius or hacker I don't do the html stuff. I like easy, peasy. I can't add a link because I can't highlight anything. Sighing... I have also used different computers and it still hasn't worked.
I have much to say but I ain't saying shit else on this thing until it works like is supposed to.
Labels: Blogger is on my nerves!
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Venting...Radio Without Tom Joyner Is Not A Change I Appreciate
***UPDATED BELOW
Okay, I have been out of pocket since last week’s birthday. Let’s add that with age come other things such as my back giving me the business for over a week. All I am going to say is if you have never had a back spasm before, you don’t realize you actually stop breathing when it happens.
However, I am not back to ramble on about things going on in my life. I am here to vent. Folks, I am mad as hell. On Monday, I made it to work, barely. When I turned on my radio in my office, which stays on 97.1 here in Montgomery because it is the old school, R&B station, I heard Steve Harvey. Now, I was off Friday and I thought for just a second that J, who cleans my office, had changed the station on my radio. I tried to find Tom Joyner on the radio thinking J had changed the station to our Hip/hop & R&B station 105.7, which airs the Steve Harvey morning show. Well, after 10 minutes, it finally dawned on me that Steve was on 97.1. I called my co-worker but she had no clue about what the heck was happening since she listens to the gospel station. I curse too much to listen to the gospel station all day. Well, I do.
So what is a girl to do when she doesn’t know what the heck is going on? I googled. I found the fb page and low and behold a few folks had posted the question what happened to the Tom Joyner Morning Show? No answer, but folks were mad. Hell, I was mad. One, because I don’t handle change well unless I am giving some notice. Secondly, Steve Harvey is now on 2 damn radio stations in the morning. Thirdly, I don’t like Steve Harvey in the morning. Yeah, I said it.
Seriously, change is scary for me at times. If I am given a forewarning, I can wrap my head around the situation and go with the flow. However, if you throw me in without warming me up to the situation I am mad. I struggle with change and even though one of my favorite quotes is “The only lasting truth is change,” by Octavia Butler, I struggle. Badly.
Look, this is my morning routine. I viggle the Today show at 7 am and watch either a Law & Order episode or A Baby Story as I get dressed and made up for work. I get into my car for the 10 minute ride to work and I listen to Russ Parr, because usually by this time they are playing mostly music and I don’t have to listen to silly chatter, gags and such because let me be real, I don’t officially wake up until 10 am. When I get to my office I usually have the last hour of Tom Joyner to listen to, which includes news, music and information. I can handle that before 10 am.
Steve Harvey on 105.7 was fine for me, because I didn’t have to hear him because I listened to TJMS. I give Steve respect for all he has accomplished; however, I ain’t no Stan. I lost a lot of respect for him after his last divorce due to the way he did his ex-wife and yeah his ex-wife had some culpability in the situation as well, but he made my stomach turn. So I am not watching all his shows and listening to him on the radio. Frankly, SH is too damn silly for me in the morning. The stuff ain’t funny it is more irritating. Now his ass in on two, count them two radio stations at the same time. Ugh!
105.7 and 97.1 are part of the iHeart radio thing so I have no idea who thought this was a sound decision. Folks are mad as hell on the FB page and they ain’t happy one bit about being subjected to the change with no notice. We understand the money thing, we understand the numbers thing but what we don’t understand is basically ignoring the demographics that actually listens to the TJMS. SH and TJ have different listening audiences. Just like publishers don’t know what African-American readers want to read the radio big wigs don’t know what we want to hear either. Money dictates so much in this society, it is no wonder there is so much discord and unhappiness. I just want my Tom Joyner Morning Show back.
After I wrote this, I checked the fb page and this is their response:
We have made a change concerning the Tom Joyner Morning Show on WWMG(Magic 97.1). We have nothing but respect and appreciation for our relationship with Tom Joyner and & his cast over these years. He’s a legend and we understand there are people what enjoyed his show. However, we’ve also heard from many folks who welcome the switch to the Steve Harvey Morning Show. Currently simulcast on both Magic 97.1 and Hot 105.7 for this week only. Next Week a new fast paced, entertaining, cutting edge, informative morning show that better reflects what the station is known for “Hip Hop & R & B” will debut on WZHT(Hot 105.7). The Steve Harvey Morning Show will settle in as the permanent morning show on Magic 97.1. It has been a ratings winner and occupied the #1 position in Montgomery since its inception 7 years ago. It is an amazing show that is humorous, entertaining, informative and fund with dynamic personalities Steve Harvey, Shirley Strawberry and Nephew Tommy, It’s already been proven to be a great Adult Urban Show. Thank all for being loyal listeners.
Just as I said…money talks be damned the listeners who don’t care for Steve’s brand of humor because he is #1. Sighing…any suggestions for online music?
P. S. Blogger is on my nerves! All the symbols and stuff that is all blogger and because I can't really edit my stuff now because it has been acting weird for months now...I am thisclose to ending this relationship. Yeah, I am mad!
9/24/13 - The Breakfast Club took over Steve's spot on 105.7. Yeah, SH is still on 97.1. However, to my delight and sadness yesterday was the last day for the Russ Parr Show and Tom Joyner has found a home on 97.9, which is really the Hip Hop station here. I was so happy to hear Tom, my eyes welled with tears. Then I thought about the young folks who listen to Russ and thought they probably feel like I felt last week. There is no winning. I am just so glad Tom is still here in Montgomery. Yes!!!!!!!
Labels: Pop Culture, Ramblings, Social media
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Happy Birthday to Me!
It is that time again...my birthday! Happy Birthday to me...
Today plans to be a low-key day. Want to know why? Because I am working at both jobs today. You know bills don't stop coming just because it is your birthday. And you know the fight between me and the lizard although a draw, still cut into my money so a girl has to do what a girl has to do. Go to work.
Don't fret I took off a couple of days at the end of the week to just chill out, sleep in, make ice cream and drink wine. What? That isn't what most people do for their birthdays? Oh well, I am a bit different.
By the way, I am 44 today. Go me! And looking at this picture you can't tell either!
Flexirods on the ends of a ponytail, gave me some loose curls with only 8 hours to set after my wash yesterday
I am so thankful to see another year. Did you know I am older than my mother lived to be? So, I am grateful for another year. I am blessed!
Enjoy your week!
Labels: Birthday, Hair photos, Life, Ramblings
Saturday, September 07, 2013
Me - 1 Lizard - 0 Draw - 1
Um, I still have a writing block to my two readers...
Here is a funny true story for you.
This past Friday, I woke up in good spirits and wasn't going to let my aching foot cause me to not make the most of the day. In fact, I was on my way to being close to on time at work. Go me! So as I am locking the door I notice a movement from the corner of my eye. Yep, as the title so told you, a lizard was in the doorjamb of the glass screen door. Of course, I screamed immediately and dropped my bags. And tried my best to calm down, luckily it moved away from the doorjamb and was in a position to go in my house if I opened the door. So being a punk, I put my bags in the car, called my job and told them I would be late because I had a lizard on my door and then listen for a minute as the person I thought was my friend laughed...for a long time.
After abruptly ending the call, I went to get my water hose from the back and attached it to the spout on the front, all the while watching this nasty creature scurry but not leave my doorjamb, I used a chair to prop the door open. Oh, did I mention it was missing its tail? Ugh! So I turn on the water hose and got the nasty thing off my door and finally to the corner of the porch where I sprayed the water as long as I could hoping to drown the thing. Ya'll it flipped on his back and I felt victorious except for the fact my off white pants were wet and now I must change clothes.
So I dragged the water hose to the back and went to unlock the front door and when I pressed the handle to open the door, the bitch pulled away from the door and fell off. FML! Did I mention it was already getting hot? Now, I am outside and although the door is unlocked I can't get in and I am wet, soaking wet! Seriously, the devil plays too much.
I call my cousin and he tells me he is on his way. He said we would have to climb through a window. Well, all of my windows are locked or sealed where you would break your damn arm if you tried to open it. So I waited on him to get to the house sweating and smiling at the crackheads walking the street as they tell me how sexy I looked. Yeah, with sweat and water dripping I knew to take the compliments with a grain of salt.
It only took my cousin 10 minutes to get there. And when he got on the porch I handed him the insides of the door handle that also fell off into my hands. And my goodness that is when I noticed the damn lizard that started this mess, had flipped back on to his stomach and was trying to get away, but not coming towards my door. Really? Really? Thing was playing possum.
My cousin used his genius and with the help of a screwdriver was able to get the door open. I left him working on that to change clothes. Then he handed me the handle to take with me to go to Lowe's or Home Depot for a door handle. His parting words, "Hopefully, you will not have to get the whole kit."
Yeah, I had to get the whole kit to the tune of $136, which by the way I didn't have. There went my idea to sneak to a hotel for my birthday next week. And sandwiches for lunch for the next two or three weeks. No Creative Cooking segments to do and blog. FML!
So, I made it to work where my co-worker who I called to tell I was going to be late twice was still laughing about my "lizard" and the office manager started laughing as soon as I walked into her office two hours late. What started out as this great day turned to chaos, frenzy and wet clothes.
I am thankful my cousin and his son were able to replace the door handle. Anyone need a deadbolt? I am thankful there is no lizard in my house. I have to concede this as a draw.
Did you know lizards play possum?
I will have my Paypal button set up for donations...Geez! Yeah, keep on laughing...
Monday, August 26, 2013
Happy Monday...Randoms
Sunflowers
I haven’t felt like blogging. And it isn’t because I haven’t done much in the last couple of weeks, but because I haven’t felt like putting fingers to the keyboard. I have been commenting on other folk’s blogs, so I guess it is only befitting that I finally grace you with some overdue randoms. Hopefully, this will ignite my writing mojo so I can write an editor’s note for my book club newsletter. So here we go, sit back get you some coffee or a drink because it is a long one.
If you live in the south or in Montgomery, we have had a summer of pure rain. Seriously, it rained 24 out of the 31 days in July. And August we just completed almost 2 weeks of hit and miss rain but it has been mostly hit. I can’t tell you the number of days I was soaking wet by the time I got into the house. Give you an example on August 13th I had to go take a Servsafe test for the second job. No biggie, it was bright and sunny when I got to the venue, but baby it wasn’t 30 minutes in when the sky opened and the rains of a torrential variety let loose. I forgot I had left my windows cracked. Seriously. Ugh! And a couple days later while on my main job I left my windows cracked because I park in the parking garage. Well, the sky opened up again and rained and rained. When I left that afternoon it was still drizzling, but where I parked there was a leak in the garaged and yeah you guessed it, my seat had a puddle of rain in it. My car was soaked. This is how you realize how damn dirty your car really is when everything is damp and dirt is all over your hands and clothes. I was miserable driving the 10 minutes home in wet car seat. It took two days to dry my car completely out, because with no sun and nothing but rain my car stayed damp. So I drove with towels on my seat. Very uncomfortable. So this rain isn’t giving me life, but it sure has disrupted mine.
My out-of-control grass and hedges
This is ridiculous...Over it!
Those holes are from roly polies, they are voracious this year. A worm or two, but mostly roly polies...
Sunflowers will make you smile, but if you look on the ground you can see the discarded seeds of the birds.
Probably the last bouquet...
So as I still blistered from that Friday night diabolical, I had a 50th birthday party to go to. A former book club member was having a big shindig to celebrate. The best part in my opinion was the scholarship she awarded to a student in attendance in honor of her mother who passed exactly a month to the day of the party. I went to get a glass of wine because I was still mad from Friday and when the bartender pulled the bottle out and started to twist the cap off of the Merlot, I declined the glass. I ain’t a highfaluting person, but I need my wine to have a cork. That is all.
I went to the party looking all staid and cute, but when I got home and had a drink I looked too different. See?
Before I left...
Then the Amaretto Sour when I got home...
After the drink...
Just kidding, I didn't have the drink until I went to bed. My hair was falling out of the bun or whatever I had...so I worked it!
Lala likes to scream Aunt Nana in the background when she sees my face on her mom’s phone. However, if you put her on the phone she says absolutely nothing. And I do believe she thinks she is a rock star. Check the pictures.
No photos please! And she puts on her own sunglasses...
My niece is in college now. Sighing…I am still waiting on her to respond to my text from Saturday. I hate to have to show up on the campus of WSSU and embarrass her, but I will.
My cousin who I call my child will be here this weekend to celebrate graduating with his Master’s in Psychology. He didn’t march because he is heading straight to the PH.D program. So we are having a family get together to celebrate. Unfortunately, I am working but I will stop through after. Nope, didn’t take off because I am not a fan of crowds and folks doing the most drinking and playing cards. I can’t play any card games. Frankly, I don’t have the patience for it. Yeah, I am different.
I love muscadines. But I prefer the purple ones. I also tried some champagne grapes. Good, but too much work to eat them. Yes, I am lazy.
Muscadines
Champagne grapes...
I told my sister that folks are raising kids who may be book smart but they have no critical thinking skills. If they get a flat tire they will be unable to fix it or know who to call if it happens. Seriously. It is kinda scary folks. They can’t figure out the simplest situations without calling their parents. Lawd, help them.
I had book club Saturday. So I made sure to have a low-key day before the meeting because my left foot was hurting. See on last week I noticed there was an ache and it seemed to be more pronounced after working out especially if I was doing the walk/jog interval on the treadmill. So on Friday I decided to just do weights and the elliptical and to my consternation I found my foot was hurting more. Geez! And because I had to help on my 2nd job, by Friday night I was limping and of course I diagnosed myself with a stress fracture. So Saturday I was like early out and early back home to put the foot up. And I took some medicine to combat the pain. When I woke up that afternoon and to my amazement my foot no longer hurt. I had already planned to go to the Primed for an X-ray and diagnosis. It feels okay today so I am doing low key exercising so as not to put too much pressure on my foot. A customer told me I do not want a stress fracture on my foot. And I believed him.
Book club was great. I like our group with the smaller number because it is more comfortable and everyone gets to enjoy one another. Why are strawberry-ritas (in the can) so popular now? Anyway, we discussed The Perfect Marriage by Kimberla Lawson Roby. Of course I had a mini-photo shoot before the meeting.
So Vain...
Make up was cute...
Fantasia was here with Avant on Saturday. Of course I didn’t attend. One member was mad because she wanted to see Avant. I asked why? All his songs sound the same…shrugging.
I tried to watch the re-airing of the VMA’s last night when I got home. I watched Robin and Miley and my response was what the hell? And I saw Justin Timberlake’s performance, which was pretty good. Some of the guys from N’Sync are a bit thicker…just saying. After he finished, I turned and was like I can’t with MTV they do not play music videos except in the early morning. Hell, I watch MTV for Catfish.
See a lot of folks watch Reality television. I can’t say I don’t, but not that much. I prefer scripted television, but with my cable provider I don’t have enough channels for it to matter.
My book club members asked if I was watching the marathon of Scandal on BET. I didn’t. The emotions that I go through watching that show are too damn much! I can’t. But come October, I am back on it!
Labor Day is next week. I plan to do nothing. Seriously.
My birthday is on the horizon and I was asked on Saturday what I planned to do. Well, I will be going to both jobs that day and although I plan to take off the weekend, I have no plans. Oh yes I do. I plan to make ice cream, because I haven’t made any recently because my paddle broke. Oh and of course get a pair of gorgeous shoes. DSW gift cards are welcome. Just kidding…
Will someone tell my niece to text me? Geez…
Have a great week!
Labels: Book Club, Cooking, Family, Friends, Fun stuff, Gardening, Hair photos, Pop Culture, Ramblings, Randoms, Tales from the 2nd Job, writings